The Secret Son of Hitler Cast

There is a Rasputin Impersonator somewhere wearing Elise's pants. She doesn't know how or when she lost them, but she would like them back eventually. They weren't particularly special pants or magical pants, but dammit, they were HER PANTS!! There are no actual credits to Elise's name, as she has spent most of the last 28 years in hiding from a cannibal cult that her idiot cousin Mickey started. She was all set to be the human sacrifice due to the paper clip shortage, but disagreed with the brand of Barbecue Sauce the cult planned to slather her body in before devouring her. Unwilling to be nommed with such pedestrian flavors, she fled and took up work as an Olympic Skier under the name Poppy Bloominfield. She is finally out of hiding now that her cousin Mickey plum ran out of cult members to eat and had to eat himself.

After surviving two cruise ship crashes within one week, Andrew Slaughter decided it was time to join the theater. He played the upstage stage right tree for two years in a children's theater company before joining a ballet studio as the balance beam. This year Andrew is finally playing an animate object and could not be more thrilled! Although the line is blurred now between who is Andrew and who is Barbara.

Trevor showed undeniable star quality at a young age. In Mrs. Gummer’s first grade class, he stood up on his desk and performed all 27 verses of Wally Watershin’s beguiling “Dammit, Barbara, That Was The Last Slice of Pizza and I Haven’t Eaten Since Tuesday” to thunderous applause. Mrs. Gummer immediately signed him up to do school announcements, and from there he leapt into a career in radio. But his face was just too perfectly sculpted to hide it behind the airwaves, and so he soon climbed the ranks to become a beloved children’s entertainer, handsome soap opera doctor, and finally a top-ranked talk show host. Trevor enjoys commanding several fleets of ships as a pirate captain in his spare time, and he has a weakness for lemon meringue pie.

Chris Thorne is an elaborate and very expensive illusion. A blend of both magic and advanced technology, Chris is the single most costly part if this production, requiring a whole team of engineers and one very talented wizard to function. Of course you may be wondering why the director saw fit to invest so much in such a small role as Montano, but it would have been much too expensive to do it for a larger role. Chris has been programmed/astrally projected in just one other show, in the role of Will Turnbuckle in Pirates of the Carabeener at the Off Broadway Theater. He hopes to one day escape this cruel half-existence and be a real boy, with an understanding of human concepts like love and art.

Lisa was born on the kitchen floor, in Merriam, KS, and has yet to recover from the shame of it. It took her 14 years to graduate from U.V.U. with a BS in Theatre because of various excuses that all make a convincing argument if you ask her therapist. Her favorite performances include the ones where she wears wigs (especially blond ones). She hopes this performance will inspire you to take a day out of your week to abstain from ingesting animal products.

If ever you've felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand erect or felt your stomach twist and drop into cold dark despair, you're already familiar with one JJ Minagro. These are the feels which define his existence. That and cat videos on the internets. May you feel it again this evening here in this theatre.

After five Olympic medals, three Grammys, and one hot dog eating championship, Jesse is trying his hat at acting. He also does some poetry: "Roses are red, violets are blue...I'm sitting right behind you."

Innovative, unique, undeniable, timeless. Most people spend their entire life seeking out the luminescence of stardom only to wither in the shadow of obscurity. Then there are those whose star burns white hot and then fades on the horizon leaving only glittering dust in its wake. Fewer still have what it takes to thrive and leave the world in awe of their unflinching brilliance. Then there is Chris Harvey. After a whirlwind retirement he is on his comeback tour and aiming to burn the lips of those tea-drinking haters who say he has let himself go or that he is only a mere husk of the prince he used to be. Stand back universe. Chris is coming home!

Liz Rowley Hilst can neither confirm nor deny she is a heterosexual. She weighs less than her driver's license says and can communicate solely through Tom Petty lyrics. She is pleased to be doing this show after a 6 year stint in the CIA. Oops. Did you read that? Now she has to kill you.

Madeline is actually immortal and feels incredibly ambivalent about participating in this performance, seeing as her eye-witness accounts were ignored whenever she pointed out factual discrepancies in the script during rehearsal. Out of all the eons in her existence, this is her least favorite, and hopes someday to return to the 12th century so she can convince Marie de France to write more poems and smash the patriarchy while she’s at it. She hopes to eventually transcend this mortal sphere and enter a plane that is higher and less obsessed with selling ice cream in menial gallon-sized portions. Also, Margaret Truman deserved better. #justiceforMargaret

Born in Prussia in the early 1800s, Megan was a natural mathematician, philosopher, and lover. Her radical social theories shaped much of the political conversation to this very day. In fear that she would inspire revolution, the powers of the time exiled her to England, where she lived the remainder of her days. Yet even though the powerful feared her, she was beloved of the masses. Her final resting place in Highgate Cemetery is still visited by white people with dreadlocks every day.

David was born to a river boat captain in 1739 and soon found he had a talent for inspiring others to say "Get out of here! You aren't on the guest list!" He became a roaming stand-up comedian where he worked for tootsie rolls and nylons with runs in them. One day during a heated argument with his divorce lawyers Ditcher, Quick, & Hyde, he leaped from an 18-story window and bounced off of a forest green awning only to land at the feet of the 21st Earl of Persimmon, which is how he found his seventh husband. He would like to thank his thirteenth husband, Fortescue VonHefferslop, for living in an entirely different country so he can enjoy some peace and quiet with his goats Abraxus and Sweater Vest.